Subject: heres the grail... Speaking of Monty Python- I thought some of you would appreciate this it is long so go ahead and delete it if you dare PS-does anyone know where I can get info about setting up a home page off the WWW. > > > Subj: THE HOLY GRAIL > > > Lines: 1549 > > > > > > "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > > -- the strictly unofficial script of the movie, > > > done in a fit of boredom by [AHH 01Jan87] > > > -- touched up again by [AHH 25Jan89] (How time flies) > > > > > > The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]): > > > KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman > > > PATSY : Terry Gilliam > > > GUARD #1 : Michael Palin > > > GUARD #2 : John Cleese > > > MORTICIAN : Eric Idle > > > CUSTOMER : John Cleese > > > DEAD PERSON : ??? > > > DENNIS : Michael Palin > > > WOMAN : Terry Jones > > > BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese (?) > > > VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle > > > VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin > > > SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones > > > WITCH : ??? > > > VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese > > > NARRATOR: Michael Palin > > > SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese > > > SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin > > > SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle > > > GOD : ??? > > > FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese > > > MINSTREL : ??? > > > LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones > > > MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman > > > RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin > > > OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam > > > HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin > > > FATHER : Michael Palin > > > PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones > > > GUARD #1 : Eric Idle > > > GUARD #2 : ??? > > > CONCORDE : Eric Idle > > > OLD CRONE : ??? > > > ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle > > > TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese > > > BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle > > > SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin > > > > > > Scene 1 > > > > > > [wind] > > > [clop clop] > > > ARTHUR: Whoa there! > > > [clop clop] > > > > > > GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? > > > ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle > > > of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign > > > of all England! > > > GUARD #1: Pull the other one! > > > ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. > > > We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights > > > who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord > > > and master. > > > GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? > > > ARTHUR: Yes! > > > GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' > > > 'em together. > > > ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this > > > land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- > > > GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? > > > ARTHUR: We found them. > > > GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! > > > ARTHUR: What do you mean? > > > GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. > > > ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin > > > or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not > > > strangers to our land. > > > GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? > > > ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. > > > GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? > > > ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! > > > GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple > > > question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 poun d > > > coconut. > > > ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master > > > that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. > > > GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow > > > needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? > > > ARTHUR: Please! > > > GUARD #1: Am I right? > > > ARTHUR: I'm not interested! > > > GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! > > > GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European > > > swallow, that's my point. > > > GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... > > > ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court > > > at Camelot?! > > > GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. > > > GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... > > > GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... > > > [clop clop] > > > GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? > > > GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. > > > GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! > > > GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? > > > GUARD #2: Well, why not? > > > > > > Scene 2 > > > > > > MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! > > > Bring out your dead! > > > [clang] > > > Bring out your dead! > > > [clang] > > > Bring out your dead! > > > [clang] > > > Bring out your dead! > > > [clang] > > > Bring out your dead! > > > CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. > > > DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! > > > MORTICIAN: What? > > > CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. > > > DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! > > > MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! > > > CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. > > > DEAD PERSON: I'm not! > > > MORTICIAN: He isn't. > > > CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. > > > DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! > > > CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. > > > MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. > > > DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! > > > CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. > > > MORTICIAN: I can't take him... > > > DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! > > > CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... > > > MORTICIAN: I can't. > > > CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't > > > be long. > > > MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine > > > today. > > > CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? > > > MORTICIAN: Thursday. > > > DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. > > > CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there > > > something you can do? > > > DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. > > > [whop] > > > CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. > > > MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. > > > CUSTOMER: Right. > > > [clop clop] > > > MORTICIAN: Who's that then? > > > CUSTOMER: I don't know. > > > MORTICIAN: Must be a king. > > > CUSTOMER: Why? > > > MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. > > > > > > Scene 3 > > > > > > [clop clop] > > > ARTHUR: Old woman! > > > DENNIS: Man! > > > ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there? > > > DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! > > > ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. > > > DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. > > > ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' > > > DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? > > > ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind > > > you looked-- > > > DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! > > > ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... > > > DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By > > > exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma > > > which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! > > > If there's ever going to be any progress-- > > > WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? > > > ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. > > > Who's castle is that? > > > WOMAN: King of the who? > > > ARTHUR: The Britons. > > > WOMAN: Who are the Britons? > > > ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. > > > WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous > > > collective. > > > DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. > > > A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- > > > WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. > > > DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- > > > ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives > > > in that castle? > > > WOMAN: No one live there. > > > ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? > > > WOMAN: We don't have a lord. > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take > > > it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. > > > ARTHUR: Yes. > > > DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified > > > at a special biweekly meeting. > > > ARTHUR: Yes, I see. > > > DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- > > > ARTHUR: Be quiet! > > > DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- > > > ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! > > > WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? > > > ARTHUR: I am your king! > > > WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. > > > ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. > > > WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? > > > ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest > > > shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water > > > signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur . > > > [singing stops] That is why I am your king! > > > DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords > > > is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power > > > derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical > > > aquatic ceremony. > > > ARTHUR: Be quiet! > > > DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power > > > just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! > > > ARTHUR: Shut up! > > > DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just > > > because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd > > > put me away! > > > ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! > > > DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. > > > ARTHUR: Shut up! > > > DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! > > > HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! > > > ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! > > > DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, > > > eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, > > > you saw it didn't you? > > > > > > Scene 4 > > > [battle sounds] > > > [Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight] > > > ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. > > > I am Arthur, King of the Britons. > > > [pause] > > > I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me > > > in my Court of Camelot. > > > [pause] > > > You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? > > > [pause] > > > You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. > > > ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must > > > cross this bridge. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. > > > ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! > > > BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. > > > ARTHUR: So be it! > > > [hah] > > > [parry thrust] > > > [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] > > > ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. > > > ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! > > > BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. > > > ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? > > > BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. > > > ARTHUR: You liar! > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! > > > [hah] > > > [parry thrust] > > > [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] > > > ARTHUR: Victory is mine! > > > [kneeling] > > > We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- > > > [Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying] > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! > > > ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? > > > ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. > > > ARTHUR: Look! > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. > > > [Headbutts Arthur in the chest] > > > ARTHUR: Look, stop that. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! > > > ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! > > > [whop] > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! > > > ARTHUR: You'll what? > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! > > > ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? > > > BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! > > > ARTHUR: You're a loony. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! > > > Have at you! Come on then. > > > [whop] > > > [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off] > > > BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. > > > ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. > > > BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow > > > bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. > > > I'll bite your legs off! > > > > > > Scene 5 > > > > > > CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! > > > VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? > > > CROWD: Burn her! Burn! > > > BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch? > > > VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. > > > BEDEMIR: Bring her forward. > > > WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. > > > BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one. > > > WITCH: They dressed me up like this. > > > CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. > > > WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. > > > BEDEMIR: Well? > > > VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. > > > BEDEMIR: The nose? > > > VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! > > > CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! > > > BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this? > > > CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. > > > VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. > > > BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch? > > > VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. > > > BEDEMIR: A newt? > > > VILLAGER #3: I got better. > > > VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! > > > CROWD: Burn! Burn her! > > > BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether > > > she is a witch. > > > CROWD: Are there? What are they? > > > BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches? > > > VILLAGER #2: Burn! > > > CROWD: Burn, burn them up! > > > BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches? > > > VILLAGER #1: More witches! > > > VILLAGER #2: Wood! > > > BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn? > > > [pause] > > > VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? > > > BEDEMIR: Good! > > > CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... > > > BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? > > > VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. > > > BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? > > > VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. > > > BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water? > > > VILLAGER #1: No, no. > > > VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! > > > VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! > > > CROWD: The pond! > > > BEDEMIR: What also floats in water? > > > VILLAGER #1: Bread! > > > VILLAGER #2: Apples! > > > VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! > > > VILLAGER #1: Cider! > > > VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! > > > VILLAGER #1: Cherries! > > > VILLAGER #2: Mud! > > > VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! > > > VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! > > > ARTHUR: A duck. > > > CROWD: Oooh. > > > BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically..., > > > VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. > > > BEDEMIR: And therefore--? > > > VILLAGER #1: A witch! > > > CROWD: A witch! > > > BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales! > > > [yelling] > > > BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports! > > > [whop] > > > [creak] > > > CROWD: A witch! A witch! > > > WITCH: It's a fair cop. > > > CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] > > > BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? > > > ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. > > > BEDEMIR: My liege! > > > ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, > > > and join us at the Round Table? > > > BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored. > > > ARTHUR: What is your name? > > > BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige. > > > ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table. > > > > > > [Narrative Interlude] > > > > > > NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's > > > knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: > > > Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the > > > Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon > > > of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol > > > and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and > > > the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed > > > a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centurie s, > > > the Knights of the Round Table. > > > > > > Scene 6 > > > > > > BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped . > > > ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how > > > sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. > > > BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir. > > > LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege! > > > ARTHUR: Camelot! > > > GALAHAD: Camelot! > > > LAUNCELOT: Camelot! > > > PATSY: It's only a model. > > > ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us > > > ride... to Camelot. > > > > > > [singing] > > > We're knights of the round table > > > We dance when e'er we're able > > > We do routines and parlour scenes > > > With footwork impecc-Able. > > > > > > We dine well here in Camelot > > > We eat ham and jam and spam a lot > > > > > > [dancing] > > > > > > We're knights of the Round Table > > > Our shows are for-mid-able > > > Oh many times we're given rhymes > > > That are quite unsing-able > > > We not so fat in Camelot > > > We sing from the diaphragm a lot > > > > > > [tap-dancing] > > > > > > Oh we're tough and able > > > Quite indefatigable > > > Between our quests we [something] > > > And impersonate Clark Gable > > > It's a bit too loud in Camelot > > > I have to push the pram a lot. > > > > > > ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is > > > a silly place. > > > Right. > > > > > > Scene 7 > > > > > > GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If > > > there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. > > > ARTHUR: Sorry-- > > > GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's > > > "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you > > > doing now!? > > > ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. > > > GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so > > > depressing. Now knock it off! > > > ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. > > > GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round > > > Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. > > > ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! > > > GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy > > > Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek > > > this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the > > > Holy Grail. > > > ARTHUR: A blessing! > > > LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord! > > > GALAHAD: God be praised! > > > > > > Scene 8 > > > > > > [clop clop] > > > ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo! > > > GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? > > > ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round > > > Table. Who's castle is this? > > > GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer! > > > ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God > > > with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the > > > night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. > > > GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... > > > Uh, he's already got one, you see? > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! > > > ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? > > > GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one) > > > ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? > > > GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a! > > > ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? > > > GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you > > > silly king! > > > GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? > > > GUARD: Mind your own business! > > > ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle > > > by force! > > > GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your > > > bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called > > > Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt! > > > GALAHAD: What a strange person. > > > ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! > > > GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal > > > food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother > > > was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! > > > GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? > > > GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! > > > ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. > > > GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache.) > > > wha? > > > GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache!) > > > [moo!] > > > ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- > > > [twong] > > > [mooooooo] > > > Jesus Christ! > > > Right! Charge! > > > ALL: Charge! > > > [mayhem] > > > GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! > > > [twong] > > > ALL: Run away! > > > GUARD: Thpppt! > > > LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! > > > ARTHUR: No no, no. > > > BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir. > > > > > > [later] > > > > > > [chop] > > > [rumble rumble squeak] > > > MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do > > > wha? > > > un codoo? > > > a present! > > > oh, un codoo. > > > oui oui hurry! > > > wha-? > > > let's go! > > > [rumble rumble squeak] > > > > > > ARTHUR: What happens now? > > > BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, > > > and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- > > > not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! > > > ARTHUR: Who leaps out? > > > BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh > > > and uh.... > > > ARTHUR: Oh.... > > > BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- > > > [twong] > > > ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! > > > [splat] > > > GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw. > > > > > > Scene 9 > > > > > > Pictures for Schools, take 8. > > > DIRECTOR: Action! > > > > > > NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened > > > King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely > > > by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy > > > was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought > > > to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest > > > knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail > > > individually. Now, this is what they did-- > > > [clop clop] > > > [An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narratrra > > > WOMAN: Greg! > > > > > > Scene 10 > > > > > > NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... > > > So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north , > > > through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrel s. > > > > > > MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. > > > He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. > > > He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. > > > Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! > > > > > > He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed > > > into a pulp, > > > Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken . > > > To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, > > > And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin ! > > > > > > His head smashed in and his heart cut out, > > > And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, > > > And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, > > > And his penis... > > > ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. > > > Looks like there's dirty work afoot. > > > DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. > > > WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. > > > ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? > > > MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- > > > ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing > > > through. > > > ALL HEADS: What do you want? > > > MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- > > > ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust > > > to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight. > > > ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! > > > ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. > > > ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? > > > ROBIN: I am. > > > LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I? > > > RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think? > > > LEFT HEAD: I think kill him. > > > RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up. > > > LEFT HEAD: Perhaps- > > > MIDDLE HEAD: And you. > > > LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! > > > RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off! > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor! > > > LEFT HEAD: What? > > > RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him. > > > LEFT HEAD: What do you mean? > > > MIDDLE HEAD: You snore. > > > LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. > > > RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. > > > LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first > > > and then have tea and biscuits. > > > MIDDLE HEAD: Yes. > > > RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits. > > > LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway. > > > ALL HEADS: Right! > > > LEFT HEAD: He buggered off. > > > RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered. > > > > > > MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away > > > ROBIN: No! > > > MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away > > > ROBIN: I didn't! > > > MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, > > > He bravely turned his tail and fled > > > ROBIN: No! > > > MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about > > > ROBIN: I didn't! > > > MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out > > > Bravely taking to his feet > > > ROBIN: I never did! > > > MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat > > > ROBIN: Oh, lie! > > > MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin > > > ROBIN: I never! > > > > > > Scene 11 > > > > > > NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad > > > > > > [boom crash] > > > [angels singing] > > > > > > [pound pound pound] > > > GALAHAD: Open the door! > > > Open the door! > > > [pound pound pound] > > > In the name of King Arthur, open the door! > > > [squeak thump] > > > [squeak boom] > > > ALL: Hello! > > > ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. > > > GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? > > > ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are > > > nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! > > > GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? > > > ZOOT: The what? > > > GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? > > > ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! > > > Crepper! > > > MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! > > > ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. > > > MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- > > > ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and > > > very, very big. > > > GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- > > > ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? > > > GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. > > > ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! > > > GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! > > > ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! > > > GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- > > > ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our > > > hospitality. > > > GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- > > > ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared > > > to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all bet ween > > > sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to > > > protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, > > > making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knight s. > > > Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! > > > GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! > > > ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, > > > lie down. > > > [clap clap] > > > PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? > > > GALAHAD: They're doctors?! > > > ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. > > > GALAHAD: B-but-- > > > ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor > > > Winston, practice your art. > > > PIGLET: Try to relax. > > > GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? > > > PIGLET: We must examine you. > > > GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! > > > PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. > > > GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! > > > PIGLET: Back to your bed! > > > GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! > > > PIGLET: There's no grail here. > > > GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- > > > GIRLS: Hello. > > > GALAHAD: Oh-- > > > VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > Hello. > > > GALAHAD: Zoot! > > > DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. > > > GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- > > > DINGO: Where are you going? > > > GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! > > > DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! > > > GALAHAD: What is it? > > > DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight > > > to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not th e > > > first time we've had this problem. > > > GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? > > > DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty > > > person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we > > > have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. Y ou > > > must tie her down on a bed and spank her! > > > GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! > > > DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you > > > may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. > > > VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. > > > And me. > > > And me. > > > DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! > > > GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! > > > DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex. > > > GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! > > > GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. > > > LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad! > > > GALAHAD: Oh, hello. > > > LAUNCELOT: Quick! > > > GALAHAD: What? > > > LAUNCELOT: Quick! > > > GALAHAD: Why? > > > LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril! > > > GALAHAD: > > > ZOOT: > > > LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! > > > GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. > > > LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! > > > GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! > > > LAUNCELOT: Come on! > > > GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! > > > DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! > > > GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! > > > LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! > > > GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! > > > DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily. > > > GIRLS: Yes, yes! > > > GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty > > > of them! > > > DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. > > > GIRLS: Yes, yes. > > > [boom] > > > DINGO: Oh, shit. > > > [outside] > > > LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. > > > GALAHAD: I don't think I was. > > > LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. > > > GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. > > > LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous. > > > GALAHAD: Look, [something] as much peril as I can. > > > LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! > > > GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? > > > LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. > > > GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! > > > LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not. > > > > > > Narrative Interlude > > > > > > NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain > > > temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, > > > King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, > > > had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, > > > obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights > > > away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. > > > I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- > > > CROWD: Get on with it! > > > NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing > > > scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, > > > in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a > > > starling -oolp! > > > > > > Scene 12 > > > > > > OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! > > > ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? > > > OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! > > > ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? > > > OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. > > > ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? > > > OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge > > > of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. > > > ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? > > > OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. > > > ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? > > > OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! > > > > > > Scene 13 > > > > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! > > > Nee! > > > Nee! > > > Nee! > > > ARTHUR: Who are you? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! > > > ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: The same! > > > BEDEMIR: Who are they? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pang, and > > > Nee-wom! > > > RANDOM: Nee-wom! > > > ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! > > > ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the > > > enchanter who lives beyond these woods. > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! > > > ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. > > > ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! > > > [dramatic chord] > > > ARTHUR: A what? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! > > > ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! > > > ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery. > > > HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will > > > never pass through this wood alive! > > > ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return > > > with a shrubbery. > > > HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. > > > ARTHUR: Of course. > > > HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. > > > ARTHUR: Yes. > > > HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go! > > > > > > Scene 14 > > > > > > NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot. > > > > > > FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! > > > ERBERT: What, the curtains? > > > FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched > > > out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, > > > lad! > > > HERBERT: But, Mother-- > > > FATHER: Father, I'm Father. > > > HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. > > > FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When > > > I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was > > > daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, > > > just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. > > > That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, > > > fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. > > > An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these > > > islands. > > > HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- > > > FATHER: Rather what?! > > > HERBERT: I'd rather... just... > > > [music] > > > ...sing! > > > FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while > > > I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to > > > a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. > > > HERBERT: But I don't want land. > > > FATHER: Listen, Alice... > > > HERBERT: Herbert. > > > FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we > > > can get. > > > HERBERT: But I don't like her. > > > FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, > > > she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. > > > HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... > > > a certain... special... > > > [music] > > > ...something... > > > FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess > > > Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make su re > > > the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. > > > GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. > > > GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. > > > FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't > > > leave. > > > GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > FATHER: Right. > > > GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him > > > entering the room. > > > FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. > > > GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. > > > FATHER: All right? > > > GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... > > > FATHER: Yes, what is it? > > > GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- > > > FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. > > > GUARD #1: Uh... > > > FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. > > > All right? > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > FATHER: Right. > > > GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? > > > FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- > > > GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had > > > to leave and we were-- > > > FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- > > > GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- > > > FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- > > > GUARD #1: Just you. > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > FATHER: Get back. > > > GUARD #1: Get back. > > > FATHER: Right? > > > GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. > > > FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. > > > GUARD #1: What? > > > FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. > > > GUARD #1: The Prince? > > > FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. > > > GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it > > > seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. > > > FATHER: Is that clear? > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. > > > FATHER: Right. > > > [starts to leave] > > > Where are you going? > > > GUARD #1: We're coming with you. > > > FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. > > > GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. > > > HERBERT: But, Father! > > > FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! > > > GUARD #2: Hic! > > > FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. > > > > > > Scene 15 > > > > > > LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! > > > CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. > > > LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big > > > one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! > > > [thwonk] > > > CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. > > > [fwump] > > > LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this > > > note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry > > > against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am > > > in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of > > > distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! > > > Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain! > > > CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! > > > CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see. > > > CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- > > > LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as > > > soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own > > > particular... (sigh) > > > CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? > > > LAUNCELOT: Idiom! > > > CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. > > > LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! > > > CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. > > > > > > Scene 16 > > > > > > LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. > > > GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! > > > LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot > > > of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. > > > HERBERT: You got my note! > > > LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. > > > HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! > > > LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see-- > > > HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... > > > there must be... > > > [music] > > > ...someone... > > > FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? > > > HERBERT: I'm your son! > > > FATHER: No, not you. > > > LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir. > > > HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. > > > FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? > > > LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. > > > FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everythin g. > > > HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready ! > > > FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. > > > FATHER: I can understand that. > > > HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! > > > FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... > > > FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? > > > FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost > > > me a fortune! > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north > > > from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- > > > FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? > > > HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! > > > LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. > > > FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... > > > LAUNCELOT: Yes. > > > HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! > > > FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? > > > LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. > > > HERBERT: I am ready! > > > [start to leave] > > > LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. > > > [thonk] > > > HERBERT: Oooh! > > > LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, > > > uh, sort of carried away. > > > FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. > > > HERBERT: Oooh! > > > [splat] > > > > > > Scene 17 > > > > > > [wailing] > > > FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this > > > knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. > > > RANDOM: There he is! > > > FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. > > > LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. > > > FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! > > > LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. > > > I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. > > > RANDOM: He's killed the best man! > > > [yelling] > > > FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the > > > gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my specia l > > > guest here today. > > > LAUNCELOT: Hello. > > > RANDOM: He killed my auntie! > > > [yelling] > > > FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! > > > Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to > > > witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy > > > wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen > > > to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained > > > a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- > > > RANDOM: He's not quite dead! > > > FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- > > > RANDOM: He's getting better! > > > FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to > > > recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,-- > > > [ugh] > > > RANDOM: Oh, he's died! > > > FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own > > > dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. > > > [clapping] > > > And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the > > > Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot-- > > > LAUNCELOT: What? > > > RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! > > > CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! > > > HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. > > > FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! > > > HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. > > > FATHER: How?! > > > HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... > > > [music] > > > FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! > > > SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! > > > FATHER: Shut up! > > > SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! > > > He's going to tell! He's going to tell! > > > He's going to tell! He's going to tell! > > > He's going to tell! He's going to tell! > > > CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! > > > LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh) > > > CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir? > > > LAUNCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha! > > > [crash] > > > Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? > > > > > > Scene 18 > > > > > > [clop clop] > > > ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy > > > a shrubbery! > > > [dramatic chord] > > > CRONE: Who sent you? > > > ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. > > > CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. > > > ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend > > > and I will say... we will say... `nee'. > > > CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! > > > ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! > > > CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! > > > ARTHUR: Nee! > > > BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo! > > > ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. > > > BEDEMIR: Noo! > > > ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. > > > BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee! > > > ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. > > > ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee! > > > ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? > > > ARTHUR: Um, yes. > > > ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' > > > at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing > > > is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under > > > considerable economic stress at this period in history. > > > ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'? > > > ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name > > > is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. > > > BEDEMIR: Nee! > > > ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! > > > > > > Scene 19 > > > > > > ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we > > > go now? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. > > > But there is one small problem. > > > ARTHUR: What is that? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. > > > RANDOM: Nee! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- > > > ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. > > > RANDOM: Nee! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. > > > ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently > > > Said Nee? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! > > > [dramatic chord] > > > ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place > > > it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a > > > two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. > > > RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut > > > down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! > > > [dramatic chord] > > > ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! > > > ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word. > > > ARTHUR: What word? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words > > > the Knights of Nee cannot hear. > > > ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! > > > ARTHUR: What, `is'? > > > HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not > > > saying `is'. > > > BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin! > > > MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up > > > And sneaking away and buggering up > > > And chickening out and pissing about > > > Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge > > > ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! > > > ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you! > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word! > > > ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? > > > MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up-- > > > ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. > > > HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again! > > > ROBIN: I was looking for it. > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! > > > ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest. > > > ARTHUR: No, it is far from-- > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! > > > ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again! > > > ARTHUR: Patsy! > > > HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! > > > > > > Narrative Interlude > > > > > > NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their > > > search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 2 4. > > > Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much > > > rejoicing. > > > ALL: Yay! Yay! > > > NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's > > > minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. > > > ALL: Yay! > > > NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed > > > into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and > > > Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... > > > > > > Scene 20 > > > > > > ARTHUR: Knights! Forward! > > > [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom] > > > What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint > > > or tinder? > > > TIM: I... am an enchanter. > > > ARTHUR: By what name are you known? > > > TIM: There are some who call me... Tim? > > > ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. > > > TIM: Greetings, King Arthur! > > > ARTHUR: You know my name? > > > TIM: I do. > > > [zoosh] > > > You seek the Holy Grail! > > > ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. > > > TIM: Quite. > > > [pweeng boom] > > > [clap clap clap] > > > ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find > > > the Holy Grail. > > > KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah. > > > ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. > > > KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are. > > > BEDEMIR: We have been for some time. > > > ROBIN: Ages. > > > ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... > > > very... helpful... > > > GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh- > > > [boom] > > > ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh > > > I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, > > > find a, uh, a, um, a uh-- > > > TIM: A what...? > > > ARTHUR: A g--, a g-- > > > TIM: A Grail?! > > > ARTHUR: Yes, I think so. > > > KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes. > > > TIM: Yes! > > > KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. > > > [boom pweeng boom boom] > > > ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh-- > > > TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. > > > KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. > > > TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg -- > > > wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last > > > words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting > > > place of the most Holy Grail. > > > ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim? > > > TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance > > > to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man > > > yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn > > > about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or > > > your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty > > > big pointy teeth. > > > ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance. > > > > > > Scene 21 > > > > > > [clop clop whinny] > > > ???: They're nervous, sire. > > > ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! > > > TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg! > > > ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered. > > > ???: What with? > > > ARTHUR: Just keep me covered. > > > TIM: Too late! > > > [chord] > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > TIM: There he is! > > > ARTHUR: Where? > > > TIM: There! > > > ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? > > > TIM: It is the rabbit! > > > ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! > > > TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, > > > and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. > > > ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! > > > TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a > > > killer! > > > ???: Get stuffed! > > > TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate! > > > ???: Oh, yeah? > > > ROBIN: You monkey's scot's get! > > > TIM: I'm warning you! > > > ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? > > > TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! > > > ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off! > > > BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! > > > TIM: Look! > > > [squeak] > > > BORIS: Aaaugh! > > > [chord] > > > ARTHUR: Jesus Christ! > > > TIM: I warned you! > > > ROBIN: I peed again! > > > TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, > > > didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, > > > it's always the same, I always-- > > > ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! > > > TIM: --But do they listen to me?-- > > > ARTHUR: Right! > > > TIM: -Oh, no-- > > > KNIGHTS: Charge! > > > [squeak squeak] > > > KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. > > > KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! > > > TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw. > > > ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose? > > > ???: Gawain. > > > ???: Hector. > > > ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five. > > > GALAHAD: Three, sir. > > > ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal > > > assault, that rabbit's dynamite. > > > ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? > > > ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor. > > > GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make > > > a mistake. > > > ARTHUR: Like what? > > > GALAHAD: Well,.... > > > ARTHUR: Have we got bows? > > > ???: No. > > > LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. > > > ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one > > > of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynar d! > > > Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! > > > [singing] > > > How does it, uh... how does it work? > > > ???: I know not, my liege. > > > ???: Consult the Book of Armaments! > > > MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. > > > BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, > > > 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow > > > thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and > > > people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, > > > and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --" > > > MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother. > > > BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the > > > Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three > > > shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting > > > shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, > > > excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once > > > the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest tho u > > > thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty > > > in my sight, shall snuff it.'" > > > MAYNARD: Amen. > > > ALL: Amen. > > > ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five! > > > ???: Three, sir! > > > ARTHUR: Three! > > > [boom] > > > > > > Scene 22 > > > > > > ???: There! Look! > > > LAUNCELOT: What does it say? > > > GALAHAD: What language is that? > > > ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar! > > > MAYNARD: It's Aramaic! > > > GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea! > > > LAUNCELOT: Course! > > > ???: What does it say? > > > MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of > > > Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Gra il > > > in the Castle of uuggggggh'. > > > ARTHUR: What? > > > MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'. > > > BEDEMIR: What is that? > > > MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it. > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on! > > > MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says. > > > ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. > > > He'd just say it! > > > MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! > > > GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating. > > > ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? > > > MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'. > > > LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh. > > > ???: Aaauggh. > > > BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? > > > ???: Where's that? > > > BEDEMIR: France, I think. > > > LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? > > > ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives. > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives. > > > SEVERAL: Iiiiives. > > > BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo! > > > LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh. > > > BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm. > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh! > > > BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh! > > > ???: Oooh! > > > ???: Oh, no! > > > [roar] > > > MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh! > > > ARTHUR: Run away! > > > ALL: Run away! Run away! > > > [roar] > > > NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape > > > for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the > > > animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril > > > was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. > > > > > > Scene 23 > > > > > > ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death! > > > ROBIN: Oh, great. > > > ???: Look! > > > ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24! > > > BEDEMIR: What is he doing here? > > > ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each > > > traveller five questions-- > > > ???: Three questions. > > > ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- > > > ???: Three questions. > > > ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. > > > ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? > > > ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. > > > ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. > > > ???: Who's going to answer the questions? > > > ARTHUR: Sir Robin! > > > ROBIN: Yes? > > > ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. > > > ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? > > > LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. > > > I shall make a feint to the north-east-- > > > ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five > > > questions-- > > > ???: Three questions. > > > ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and > > > pray. > > > LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege. > > > ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. > > > KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me > > > these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. > > > LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. > > > KEEPER: What is your name? > > > LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot. > > > KEEPER: What is your quest? > > > LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. > > > KEEPER: What is your favorite color? > > > LAUNCELOT: Blue. > > > KEEPER: Right. Off you go. > > > LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. > > > ROBIN: That's easy! > > > KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me > > > these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. > > > ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. > > > KEEPER: What is your name? > > > ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot. > > > KEEPER: What is your quest? > > > ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail. > > > KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria? > > > ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! > > > KEEPER: Stop! What is your name? > > > GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot. > > > KEEPER: What is your quest? > > > GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail. > > > KEEPER: What is your favorite color? > > > GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh! > > > KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name? > > > ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons. > > > KEEPER: What is your quest? > > > ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. > > > KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? > > > ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? > > > KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! > > > BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows? > > > ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know. > > > > > > Scene 24 > > > > > > ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot! > > > BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! > > > ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! > > > BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot! > > > [angels singing] > > > ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! > > > Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe > > > [something] the most- > > > [twong baaaa] > > > Jesus Christ! > > > GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who > > > is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a > > > second time! > > > ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command > > > you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this > > > sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us! > > > GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your > > > direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could > > > out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about > > > advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you > > > heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters. > > > ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred > > > castle! > > > GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you > > > and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained > > > wipers of other people's bottoms! > > > ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by > > > force! > > > [splat] > > > In the name of God and the glory of our-- > > > [splat] > > > Right! That settles it! > > > GUARD: Yes, this time and [something] > > > any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads > > > and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha! > > > ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them. > > > GUARD: No, remain ??? illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think > > > you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy > > > English kaniggets! Thpppt! > > > ARTHUR: We shall attack at once! > > > BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege! > > > ARTHUR: Stand by for attack! > > > > > > [ ending nonsense ] > > > -- > > > > > > > > > We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us!